Never
buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If
we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're
not watching it.
Don't
tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
Whenever
possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Only
wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need
more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please
don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't
feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related
to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
The
quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave.
He's
just not crying. Big difference!
When
the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
What
do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When
I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh,
this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
When
you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
The
temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly
to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter
starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time
for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
Is
it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If
we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You
probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
It's
in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
The
floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
Never
ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with
the wrong thing.
When
watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen.
Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions
should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance
of getting an immediate response.
When
we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial
do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I
always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing
do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
If
you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it
from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore
and I am now free to return to the couch.
If
I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not
necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
If
you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate
it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise.
I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
I go
clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
Just
tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember
that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occassion is.
After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
Don't
ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should
be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather
just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
If
you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave
the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving
me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ
that has a brain of its own.
I will
cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
Yelling
to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise
to me. I am not ignoring you.