Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's
washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do
that all the time.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained.
I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to
sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk
about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think
I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real
problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning
wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire
to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter
how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend
you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss
all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn
fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself.
So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the
other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know
the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet
seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress
that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but
then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that
damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood".
It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes
I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around;
just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should
understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy
can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all
over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.
I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
the toilet one more time at night and either sat on
a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet
seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down
and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to
pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet
seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees
and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe
rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found
the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is
to assume the flying Superman position lying over the toilet
seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect
balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all
the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to
understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene
and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond
our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have
been a problem!
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