101 Things NOT To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny
naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And
they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your
nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt
anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock
the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes
me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first
time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry
up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the
remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's
turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really
trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not
to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking
when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's
just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie
channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up,
will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut
butter sexually) But I just
steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid
Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys
to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment
of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why
am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr.
Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling
needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to
feel good?
36. Put that blender back in
the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do
this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my
pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know
you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy
channel...
42. That leak better be from
the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work
without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps
on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha
died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you
might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this
part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with
a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with
a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as
my ex!
51. Do you know the definition
of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is
it your mattress stuffed with rotten
potatoes? 53. You look younger
than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out
of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping
stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs,
it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped
you...
58. Does your husband own a
sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude
that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered
liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even
have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to
make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I
would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just
behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed
as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me,
won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual
operation?
71. I really hate women who
actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing
about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can
take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show
about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer
for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic-
don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet
my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help
if I thought about someone I really
like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags,
I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always
file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you
mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to
turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really
friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like
you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum
jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother
is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know
I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call
you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to
do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women
than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to
be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm
only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to
be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my
blind date?
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