A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.  He went out
and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle
animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is
the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the
mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is
the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling
like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.  The elephant then stomped on
the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered
after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you
don't have to get so pissed off!"

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger
had been killed.  As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.  The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.  Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes" motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by
his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing".
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and
screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to
the hills to do some bear hunting.  As he rounded the corner on a
perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and
his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.  Before he knew it, his rifle
went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking
both legs.
That was the good news.
The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.  "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt.  Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of
feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer
appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster,
please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

The last time the circus came to town an ad for an animal trainer was
placed in the local paper.  Only two applicants showed up, a male and a
female.
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would
choose the one with the best act.
At first glance it would appear that the female was much better prepared
as she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape and with a whip
and a chair.   The guy only showed up with a cigar.  She looked more
like a model than trainer.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said Ladies
before Gentlemen.
The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music
started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping.  She
motioned the attendant to release the tiger.  The tiger leaps into the
cage snarling. The young lady throws aside her whip, flings back her
cape and sits on the chair as naked as the day she was born.  Our tiger
now circles her, sniffing the air and suddenly bounds to her, puts its
face between her legs and starts licking. She throws back her head
moaning, holding the tiger by the ears.
The Owner looks at the man and says, "That's quite an act.  Think you
can do better than that?"
The man says, "No problem.......just get that damn tiger out of the cage
first..."

 This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a
fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See!  That was
more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder
reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen
reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day,
every day of the year!  How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a
day!.......
But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"

 A salesman is lost on the back roads and stops at a farm to get
directions.  As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg.  "How did the pig get a wooden leg?" he asks the farmer.
"Well", says the farmer, "that's a very special pig.  One night not too
long ago we had a fire start in the barn, and that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn.  Saved 'em all."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.
"Nope, he pulled through that just fine." says the farmer.  "Though a
while later, I was back in the woods when a bear attacked me.  Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me fer sure."
"Wow! So the bear injured his leg then?" says the salesman.
"Nope.  He came away without a scratch.  Though a few days later, my
tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious.  Well, that pig
dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I got cut up in the
machinery."
"Ahh! So his leg got caught by the combine?" asks the salesman.
"Noooope.  We both walked away from that one." says the farmer.
"So how did he get the wooden leg?!?" the salesman asks, exasperated.
"Well", the farmer replied, "A pig that good, you can't eat all at once."

Seems a man got turned in by his neighbor who saw him having sex with a
goat. He was arrested and told to get a lawyer.
He had a choice of two.. It was a small town.  On attorney was very
expensive. He usually won his case by having colstly out of town experts
testify. The other attorney was cheap.  His forte was jury selection, he
usually could get a jurior or two that would be sympathetic to his
client.  The Defendant chose the less expensive lawyer.
The first day of the trial the witness was told to tell the jury exactly
what he saw on the morning of March 15th.  He stated. He happed to look
out his kitchen window about 8 AM and he saw farmer Brown drop  his
pants and have sex with a tan colored goat.  An when he finished the
goat turned around and licked his penis.
At this time a front row juror was heard to say to another juror " You
know, a good goat will do that "  !

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through  the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog.  Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

A burglar breaks into a house and hears someone say: "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar stops for a moment, then continues to move throughout the house. Once again he hears this voice: "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar, nervous, turns on a light and sees that the voice is actually coming from a bird cage, and there's a little parrot in it.
He approaches the parrot and says: "Oh, you really scared me for a moment, what is your name, birdie?"
"My name is Peter" answers the parrot.
The burglar says, "Peter is a weird name for a parrot"
The parrot says: "Think so? I think Jesus for a Doberman is even weirder!"

Four men were discussing how smart their dogs were...

The first man was an engineer and his dog was named "T Square."
He instructed "T Square to go get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle. "T Square" did this with no problem.
The second man was an accountant and called his dog "Slide  Rule."
He instructed "Slide Rule" to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into piles of three. "Slide Rule did this with no problem.
The third man was a Chemist, and, while he was impressed with the first two dogs, he said they would be more impressed with his dog, which he called "Measure." He instructed "Measure to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces of it into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem at all.
So all three men agreed that their dogs were equally smart.
And THEN they turned to the Union member and asked; "What can YOUR    dog do?" The Union member called his dog "Coffee Break" and instructed his dog to "Show off !"
"Coffee Break" promptly went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs,claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave !

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.  He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "No worries."
The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across a man, sitting at a campfire, eating a fish and a bald eagle.
The man is arrested as the bald eagle is a protected species and brought to trial for his crime.
The Judge asked the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
"Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me explain, I have a very good excuse."
"You may proceed."
"I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing some fish.
I thought 'if I startled the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish.' Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away.
Unfortunately, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
The judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant's testimony. 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
"Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
"Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe, it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pull his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and
beat on his chest. His antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. The man rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "f--- you".

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party hat.

The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he
picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next the man whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hair hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

Bill's all excited about his new rifle.  So, he goes bear hunting in
Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it
with his first shot.  There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns
around to see a big black bear.  The black bear says "You've got 2
choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex."  Bill bends over
for the bear.  He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and
kills him.  At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder.  A huge
grizzly is standing right behind him.  The grizzly says, "That was a
bigmistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have
sex." Bill bends over.  He survives, but he's really hurting and takes
quite a bit of  time to recover, and, he's outraged.
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots
him at point blank range.  There's a tap on his shoulder.  He turns
around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says "You
don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" 

Two stupid farmers had this mule that was a very hard worker.  The only  problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything.
One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent this  from happening.  While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing, so they explained the problem.
The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if they  simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit.  The farmers  thanked their neighbor and he drove off.
Then the one farmer said to the other, "Some stupid neighbor we have, it's  not his feet that's too long, it's his ears!"

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla
was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species
available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
an
employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was
rumored,
possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very
bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the
gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to
kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may
result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition.
"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."

"Everytime time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet!!!"  

 HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms.  Cradle its head on your elbow, just
as if you were giving a baby a bottle.  Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty."  Drop the pill in its mouth.
 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
 3. Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left
 hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm.  Poke pill into its
mouth
 with right forefinger.
 4. Retrieve cat from under bed.  Get new pill from bottle.  (resist
impulse
 to get new cat.)
 5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
 bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat,  bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
lifting the  upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly!  Since your head is down
by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing.  That's just
as well.
 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes.  Leave pill in your hair.
 7 If you are a woman, have a good cry.  If you are a man, have a good
cry.
 8. Now pull yourself together.  Who's the boss here anyway?  Retrieve
cat &
 pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
 9. This isn't working, is it?  Collapse & think.  Aha!  Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
 10. Crawl to the linen closet.  Drag back a large beach towl.  Spread
towel
 on floor.
 11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
 12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
 13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach.  (resist impulse
to flatten cat.)
 14. Roll cat in towel.  Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or
woman!
 15. Resume position 1.  Rotate your left hand to cat's head.  Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
 16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently.  Voila!  It's done!
 17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's).  Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
 18. Take two asprins & lie down.  

THE DOG

A butcher is working, and really busy.  He notices a dog in his shop and
shoos him away.  Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth.
The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten
dollar bill.  So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb
in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides
to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts
down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.  Then he waits
patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.  They do, and he
walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and
sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus.  The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the
number, and goes back to his seat.  Another bus comes. Again the dog
goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs
on.  The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs.  Eventually the dog
gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind  legs, pushes the button to stop the bus.  The dog gets off, groceries still in his
mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.  He walks up
the path,  and drops the groceries on the step.  Then he walks back down
the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door.
He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself
-whap!- against the door again!  There's no answer at the door,  so the
dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.  He gets to a window, and bangs his head
against it several times.  He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits
at the door.  The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and
starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy.  "What the heck are you doing?
This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"  To which the
guy responds, "Clever, my eye.  This is the second time this week he's
forgotten his key!" 

16. To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine
Albright by name.
15. New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out a midnight
run to McDonald's.
14. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time he hears "Bad boy."
13. President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in
someone else's yard.
12. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.
11. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer
automatically implicate the President.
10. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
9. Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"
8. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary
suspicious.
7. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.
6. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.
5. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.
4. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at
State dinners.
3. To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.
2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President.
and the Number 1 Change at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy...

1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find
complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows. 

There was this gay cowboy and this straight cowboy out riding the range.
They had not seen anyone for months.
One day they came upon a sheep who had gotten its head caught in the
fence.  The straight cowboy got off his horse, unbuttoned his pants &
had sex with the sheep.
 When he got finished, he said to the gay cowboy, "OK, its your turn."
 The gay cowboy got down off his horse and stuck his head in the fence.