True story from San Francisco:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.  Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that
contained another picture - of handcuffs.

True story from Orange County:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.  His friends plead with
him to let them take him home.   He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving
and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts,
the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a
house just a block away.  The police   tell the party animal to stay
put, they will be right back  - and they run down the street to the
robbery.  The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell
anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been
in bed all day.   A few hours later the police knock on the door.  They
ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes.  They ask to see him and
she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license.   They ask to see his car and she
asks why.  They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still
flashing.
This is a true story, as told by the driver at his first AA meeting,
according to a newspaper account.
 

Police humor

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for
speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.   When he
walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet
you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."   He
replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."  There followed a
moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the
problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a
huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."   A little more
investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy
about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket at his feet, full of change.

A New Yorker traveling through west Texas stopped in the little town of
Rankin for lunch.  As he stepped out on to the little Main Street, the
40 mile per hour wind practically pulled the car door off!  He started
towards the diner, leaning into the wind, with on hand on his hat to
keep it from being blown off.
As he approached the stores he saw an old-timer leaning against the
 corner of the building, reading a newspaper.  The New Yorker was
fascinated that he held the paper just right so the wind wouldn't even
ruffle it as he read.  He asked the man, "Sir, does the wind blow like
this all the time?"
The old timer looked up and faced into the wind, as if he suddenly just
noticed it, turned back, eyed the stranger from head to foot, and said,
"Noooope.  Sometimes it comes from the other direction."

Why Americans Score Lower on Geography Tests

The following are actual stories told by travel agents...

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in Africa." her response....click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles.  She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans,
Louisiana.  She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New
Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she
was not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on
the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No."  He said "but they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas
was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save
time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"  I said, "No, why
do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there
any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked
into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno, California is FAT, and that the airline was just
putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have
numbers on them."

A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane.  She said, "Yea, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa.  "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express card."

A couple were on their honeymoon passing through Louisiana. When they
were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronounciation
of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the
town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you
please settle an argument for us? Would you very slowly pronounce where
we are?"
The guy behind the counter leaned over and said "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr King"

You Know You're From Mississippi When.
 
 Your house still has the "Wide Load" sign on the back.
 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
 Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
 Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
 You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
 You have a rag for a gas cap.
 You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
 A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
 You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
 You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
 You own a homemade fur coat.
 Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
 The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
 You have every episode of hee-haw on tape.
 You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he
fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs
official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The
customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he
does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf
bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the
court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process.
He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he
was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had
entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and
dialed "911" for help.

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from
one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got
stuck in the mud, so they decided that the refrigerator was too heavy.
Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator back into the
house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the
keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

A South Carolina man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

A bank robber was arrested the day after the robbery at a motel near the state line only twenty or thirty miles away.  Why did he stop so close to the scene of the crime?  He explained he was on parole and couldn't cross the state line without permission from his parole officer.

Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock thru a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.  The liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.  (PLUS, The whole event was caught on videotape.)

As a female shopper exited a Ney York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.  The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, police had apprehended the perpetrator.  They put him in their cruiser and drove back to the store.  The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.  To which he replied, "Yes Officer... that's her.  That's the lady I stole the purse from."

     Last name:__________________________

     (Check appropriate box) First name:
     [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe
     [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue
     [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_]John-Allen
     [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

     Age: _______ (if unsure, guess)

     Sex: _______ M ________ F

     Shoe Size: _______ Left_______ Right
 
     Occupation:
     [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Dirty Politician [_] Hair Dresser
     [_] Waitress [_] Unemployed
 
     Spouse's Name: _____________________________

     2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

     3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

     Lover's Name: ______________________________

     2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

     Relationship with spouse:
     [_] Sister  [_] Aunt  [_] Mother  [_] Daughter  [_]Pet
     [_] Brother  [_] Uncle  [_] Father  [_] Son  [_]Cousin

     Number of children living in household: ______

     Number of children living in shed: ______

     Number that are yours: ______
 
     Mother's Name:_______________________

     Father's Name:________________________
     (If not sure, leave blank)

     Education: 1  2  3  4 (Circle highest grade completed)
 
     Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

     Total number of vehicles you own ___
     Number of vehicles that still crank ___
     Number of vehicles in front yard___
     Number of vehicles in back yard ___
     Number of vehicles on cement blocks___
     Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194___
 
     Firearms you own and where you keep them:
     ___ truck  ___ kitchen  ___ bedroom  ___ bathroom  ___shed

     Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No (If no, please explain)
 
     Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
     [_] The National Enquirer  [_] The Globe  [_] Soap Opera Digest
     [_] Rifle and Shotgun  [_] TV Guide
 
     Number of times you've seen a UFO _____
     Number of times you've seen Elvis _____
     Number of times you've seen Elvis IN a UFO _____
 
     How often do you bathe:
     [_] Weekly  [_] Monthly  [_] Annually  [_] Not Applicable

     Color of teeth:
     [_] Yellow  [_] Brownish-Yellow  [_] Brown  [_] Black  [_] N/A
     How many?____

     Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
     [_] Red-Man  [_] Beech-Nut  [_] Skoal  [_] Kodiak
 
     How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile  [_] 2 miles
     [_]don't know

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how
to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba."
You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
10. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who
do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

Alabama:  At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska:  Firearms, Booze And Onanism
Arizona:  Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas:  We Must Be Doing Something Awfully WRONG Here!
California:  As Seen on TV
Colorado:  Rocky Mountain Oysters and Bloody Beer!
Connecticut:  A Safe Refuge From New York
Delaware:  Aaaahh...
Florida:  Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:  We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:  Haka Molaha'ai Lekiluku (Drink, Play Golf, Shop, Go Home)
Idaho:  More Than Just Potatoes... Well Kinda...
Illinois:  Where Ill and Noise Meet
Indiana:  2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:  Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas:  First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:  We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos... Yet
Maine:  Cheap Lobster
Maryland:  A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:  We Talk Funny
Michigan:  First Line of Defense >From the Canadians
Minnesota:  If You Can Live Here, You Can Live On The Moon!
Mississippi:  Come Drink our Mighty Waters
Missouri:  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:  Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:  Corn, College Football and Basketball; We Suck
Nevada:  Sturdy Whores and Stud Poker!
New Hampshire:  Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:  A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:  Where Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:  You Have the Right to Remain Silent...
North Carolina:  Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:   The Garden State's Compost Heap
Ohio:  Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma:  No Singing
Oregon:  Spotted Owl -- It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:  Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:  We're Not Really An Island
South Carolina:  Conservative Is Liberal Here
South Dakota:  Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:  The Edyucashun State
Texas:  Another Planet
Utah:  Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:  Damn Yankees; That's Us!
Virginia:  Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:  Microsoft, Espresso and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:  District Of Crack
West Virginia:  One Big Happy Family - Literally!
Wisconsin:  We Cut The Nation's Cheese
Wyoming:  Why?