During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting
yet another daring prison break. Prisoners Major O'Rourke and Lieutenant
Flanagan had planned for months to acquire two steel files and now finally
possessed them! On this particular night, they had chosen to try to cut
their way through the bars of the East gate.
Stealthily they slithered to the gate with perfect timing so the guard
was not near. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights
caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Rourke said,
"We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?"
The German replied, "Sorry for you, but I can always tell when Irish
spies are filing."
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came
in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish
whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,
who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting
at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into
the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's
Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus
a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched
him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the
strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above
his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
Irish philosophy
"May all who love the Lord, love you. And those who don't love you,
may the Lord give them a limp so you can see them coming."
A respected Irish judge left Clancy's bar after a hard night of tippling.
Halfway home, he was overcome by nausea and upchucked all over his fine suit.
He explained to his wife that a drunk had staggered into him in the street and soiled his clothing. "Aye, Moira, not to fear." he said. "I had him arrested, and Monday I shall give him 30 days for this atrocious offence."
His adoring wife dutifully cleaned his suit without comment. Before leaving for court on Monday, he reminded Moira that he was going to sentence the suit soiler to 30 days, upon which Moira replied,
"Better give him 60 days, your honour, he pooped in your pants, too..."
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.
Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel.
"One of th' poor lasses must be ill."